Laugh Out Loud!

[bukojuz]

On being bald...



* If a man is bald in front, he's a thinker.


* If he's bald in the back, he is a lover.


* If he's bald in front and back, he thinks he's a lover.


* "Papa, are you growing taller all the time?" "No my child. Why do you ask?" " 'Cause the top of your head is poking up through your hair."


* He has wavy hair... it's waving goodbye.


* He's not baldheaded... he just has flesh-colored hair.


* There's one proverb that really depresses him: 'Hair today, gone tomorrow.'


* He's so bald that it looks like his neck is blowing a bubble.


* There's one thing about baldness... it's neat.


* There's a new remedy on the market for baldness. It's made of alum and persimmon juice. It doesn't grow hair, but it shrinks your head to fit what hair you have.


* He has less hair to comb, but more face to wash.


* It's not that he's baldheaded... he just has a tall face.

[chippoy]

Tinatamad ako mag-type eh hehehe

[bukojuz]

boss chip pine-play ko ayaw gumana??

[bukojuz]

A new miracle doctor was in town. He could cure anything and anybody, and everyone was amazed with what he can do.

Everyone except for Mr. Smith, the town grouch.

So Mr. Smith went to this 'miracle doctor' to prove that he wasn't anybody special. So he goes and tells the doctor, "Hey, doc, I have lost my sense of taste. I can't taste 'nothin, so what are 'ya going to do?"

The doctor scratches his head and mumbles to himself a little, then tells Mr. Smith, "What you need is jar number 43."

Jar number 43? Mr. Smith wonders.

So the doctor brings the jar and tells Mr. Smith to taste it. He tastes it and immediately spits it out, "This is gross!" he yells.

"I just restored your sense of taste Mr. Smith," says the doctor.

So Mr. Smith goes home very mad.

One month later, Mr. Smith goes back to the doctor along with a new problem, "Doc," he starts, "I can't remember!"

Thinking he got the doctor, the doctor scratches his head and mumbles to himself a little and tells Mr. Smith, "What you need is jar number 43..."

Before the doctor finished his sentence, Mr. Smith fled the town.

-unknown-

[ichthusemz]

magbabasa na lang aq guys, ang dami na eh...hehehehhe

[ichthusemz]

Guys,

may ride daw po tayo, April 6 - holiday un.
Update na lang tayo ni Sis Mickie..

Sama rin kayo ha....

[ichthusjanz]

Ahem... Ms Beautiful, off topic po kayo. Sa kabilang thread po yung usapan sa ride.

Gusto ko ring sumama sa ride pero kailangan ko ng backride. Pwede ka ba miss?

[bukojuz]

RIDE NA YAN!!!! injured pa ako nag spill din ako sa marilaque last week. feeling better by God's grace.



Example ng mga hindi tamang sagot sa mga tamang tanong:

T: Kumain knb?
S: Busog p ako.

T: Anjan b Nanay mo?
S: Bakit po?

T:Anong Oras Klase mo?
S:Mamaya pa.

T:San ka galing?
S:Namasyal lang

T:Pano mo gnwa yan?
S:Madali lang.

T:Ba't wala ka kahapon?
S:Absent ako e'

T:Anong Oras na?
S:Maaga pa.

T:Nasaan k na?
S:Malapit na.

---------------------------------------------------------------------

Anak: Pahingi po ng P500

Ina: Ano? 400? anlaki naman ng 300! Anong gagawin mo sa 200? Akala mo ba mdali lang kitain ang 100? 50 nga mahirap na. 20 pa kaya? o ito 5 piso, tipirin mo ha'


PERFUME OF WOMAN AORDING TO THEIR AGE:

Dalagita - COOL WATER
Dalaga - GUCCI
Newlywed -BVLGARI
Matagay ng kasal - SWEET HONESTY
Matandang Dalaga - Green Cross
Lola - Mentholated TIGER BALM

The Pope has finally approved DIVORED but under two conditioned:
1.Both parties must be over 90 years ols. and,
2.Both must seek Parental Consent


---------------------------------------------------------------------
"A Day without laughter is a wasted day!" -CHARLIE CHAPLIN

"A true Friend stab you at the front" - OSCAR WILDE

"Never expalin: Your True Friend don't need it, and your enemies won't believe you anyway" - ELBERT HUBBARD

"It's Better to be hated to what you are, the to be love for what you are not" - ANDRE GIDE

"Pag masakit ang katawan maga yan sa loob, parang taling nagkapilipilipit!" - Manny Paquiao



HAVE A NICE DAY!!!!

[Angkasera]

Apr 2, 2009 10:01:35 GMT 8 ichthusjanz said:

Ahem... Ms Beautiful, off topic po kayo. Sa kabilang thread po yung usapan sa ride.

HA HA HA! ;D nAtawa talaga ako dito ;D

Apr 2, 2009 10:01:35 GMT 8 ichthusjanz said:

Gusto ko ring sumama sa ride pero kailangan ko ng backride. Pwede ka ba miss?

Awwww..... ang sweet..... Aba! At tatalunin pa ata kami ng baby ko sa pag-ka-sweet a! Game on BROTHAH & SISTAH!!!!

Laban kung laban! he he joke lang

[bukojuz]

Si Inday sa "Deal or No Deal"



Kris: Magandang gabi mga kapamilya, sa gameshow na ito importante ang sagot sa nag-iisang katanungang Deal or no Deal. Ang ating player ngayong gabi ay walang iba kundi ang fastest-rising household services manager na si Inday!
[umentra si Inday at nagpalakpakan ang mga tao]

Kris: Ok Inday, choose a briefcase.

Inday: Kris, I would opt for case #4 please.

Kris: Briefcase # 4… si Sharmel. Inday, matanong ko lang, how did you come up with the number 4?

Inday: Oh, do you really want to know Kris?

Kris: Oo naman. I’m sure kaya ko naman maintindihan yung sasabihin mo eh.

Inday: The number 4 was acquired based on a probability distribution function that involves integrating up to an area greater than or equal to that random number which should be generated between 0 and 1 for proper distributions.

Kris: ****. tanong tanong pa kasi eh.

Kris: Ok Inday, choose 6 briefcases to open.

Inday: I would opt for 7, 24, 12, 2, 15 and 20.

Kris: Wait lang Inday, usually isa isa lang ang pagbubukas natin ng case…
Inday: Why is that? As if I can change the outcome if we’re to open a case each time I blurt out a number as opposed to opening each case immediately one after the other right?

Kris: Hayyy…babaguhin pa talaga mechanics (bulong sa sarili).

Kris: Anwyay, di bale na lang nga… tuloy tayo. Number 7. Natalie buksan na!!
[Yung audience sumisigaw ng LOWER!! LOWER!!!]

Kris: Teka lang, bago natin buksan… Inday, usually ang mga contestants naten ay sumisigaw ng “LOWER” every time magbubukas ng case.

Inday: Kris, I guess that’s not the way I was taught in grade school. You see, I was taught that we should only use the comparative form of the word or add “ER” to the adjective if we are comparing two things. And since it is only the first briefcase that we are going to open, we have nothing to compare it to. Am I right?
[natahimik ang audience at napaisip]

Kris: Oo nga no!

Kris: Sige Natalie, Buksan mo na.

[Ang laman ng briefcase 7 ay Piso… Palakpakan ang mga tao]

Kris: Good start! Ano yung next case mo ulit?

Inday: Case number 24 please.

Kris: Chloe… buksan na…

[Audience sumisigaw ulit ng LOWER!! LOWER!!]

Kris: Wait lang guys, Inday may nabuksan ng case baket di ka pa rin sumisigaw ng “Lower”?

Inday: Oh my goodness Kris, how long have you been doing this? Have you ever encountered a value that is lower than a peso in this game? Tell me, is there any value left lower than the one we just opened? Sheesh.
[Napaisip ulit ang audience at natahimik]

Kris: Aarrgghh!!!! Chloe buksan na lang nga, pati na rin yung 12, 2, 15 and 20 buksan na rin para matapos na. [naiirita na]
[At sunod sunod na ngang nabukas ang mga case ni Inday]
[nag-ring ang phone]

Inday: Ahh Kris, to save more time can you tell Banker that I’m not interested in his first offer. In the history of this game of chance, I have yet to see someone accept a first offer from the banker. It’s quite pathetic and pretentious for contestants to pause and look around the audience as if asking for advice before ultimately rejecting the first offer. I mean come on, isn’t that a waste of airtime?

Banker: [narinig sa set kahit sarado ang kwarto ni banker]
- Ito ang unang pagkakataon na marinig ng mga audience ang boses ni banker sa Deal or no Deal.

… dumating na sa kalagitnaan ng show at mukhang minamalas na si Inday…

Kris: Ok Inday, mukhang kelangan na natin ng tulong sa mga friends mo… sino ba yung bigotilyong lalaki na naka-polo? Ano name nya?

Inday: Ahh, that’s my master Mr. Montemayor.

Kris: Ahhh sya pala yun, how cute naman pala eh. Sige sir, give us a number.

Mr. Montemayor: Hi Kris, good evening. I’m a fan. I choose number 12 please.

Kris: Ano Inday ok ba yung number 12?

Inday: Whatever, we shouldn’t bite the hand that feeds us anyway. Go ahead.

Kris: [taray naman] Sofie, buksan na!
[ang laman ng briefcase 12 ay 5,000]

Kris: Good job! Sino naman yung gwapong lalake na naka jumper na katabi ni Mr. Montemayor? What’s his name?

Inday: Ahh, that’s my on again off again boyfriend, Dodong the gardener.

Kris: Ooohh, sya pala yun. Ok Dodong, give us a number!

Dodong: Hi babes, I choose briefcase 9 if it’s ok with you. If not, it’s ok with me as long as it’s ok with you.

Kris: Ano raw? Inday, number 9 daw ok say0?

Inday: Yes Kris, it’s fine with me.

Kris: Wow ang bait pag kay Dodong. Ederlyn… buksan na!!
…nanlaki ang mga mata ni Inday at hindi sya makapaniwala. Natahimik at mukhang kakapusin sya ng hininga…

Inday: YOU!!! How dare you invade my moment!
[nagulat si Kris at ang mga audience sa reaksyon ni Inday. Nagpatawag si Kris ng commercial break at nagpakuha ng tubig para kay Inday.]

Nagkatitigan sina Inday at Ederlyn. Nakangisi si Ederlyn habang hawak ang briefcase ni Inday.

Ederlyn: Pinapangako ko, Inday… pagbukas luluhod ang mga tala! hahahahaha!

Inday: What? Can you speak up? What are you mumbling up there. Can somebody give her a microphone please?

Kris: Ano ba!! Tama na nga ang drama ninyo, Ederlyn buksan mo na ang case at umexit ka na kung ayaw mong mapalitan! (naiirita na si Kris)
Dali-daling binuksan ni Ederlyn ang briefcase at ang laman ay… P3,000,000.

Nanghinayang ang mga audience… Ang mga natirang values ay 250, 1K, 20K, 50K, and 500K.

Inday: NooOoo…. (sabay tingin kay Dodong at napapaluha), how could you…

Dodong: I’m so sorry Inday, please forgive me.

Kris: Hayyy, drama again. Ang offer ni banker sa pagbabalik ng Kapamilya, Deal.. or No Deal!

[pagtapos ng commercial break… mukhang composed na ulit si Inday]

Kris: Inday, are you okay? Ang offer ni banker ay 99 thousand pesos. ‘Sing rami siguro ng pilipinong pinadugo mo na ilong. Is it a
Deal or No Deal?

Tahimik lang si Inday tilang may kinocompute sa ulo habang ang mga audience ay nagsisigawan ng “No Deal”, ang iba naman ay “Deal”.

Kris: Wait lang, kung mapapansin ninyo we have only have 5 cases left, and among those 5, apat doon ay mas maliit na value…

Inday: Kris, do you mind? Can I do my own thinking?
Natameme si Kris, pati ang audience ay natahimik.

Kris: Taray to the max! (pabulong sa sarili)

Inday: Ok, I’m ready. Upon looking at the reality of the situation, 80% of the cases left have at least 49K less than the banker’s offer. The only way I can do better than what is offered is that if my case contains the 500k or I’d get to open one of the four lower values. But I have to keep in mind that there’s only 20% probability that this would happen. I have to take note, however, that the banker’s offer is roughly around 15% lower than the offer I expected based on the arithmetic mean of the values left.

Kris: Lorddd… panaginip ba ‘to? Ayokonaaa….

Inday: Accepting a deal for less than the mean should generally be regarded as a weak decision so I would say, NO DEAL!

Limang briefcase na lang ang natitira at kasama na doon ang case ni Inday…

Kris: My God, nakaka-stress itong episode na ito ha. Baka dumugo na rin ang ilong ko sa’yo Inday. Sige Inday, go ahead and choose 1 briefcase!

Inday: Ok Kris, I choose briefcase #5 please?

Kris: Briefcase #5! Mimi bago mo buksan yan I would first like to thank Figliarina by Schubizz for my sandals, Bambi Fuentes for my hair and make-up and Pepsi Herrera for my gown tonight.

Kris: Ok Mimi, buk…

Inday: Ahh Kris, can I also take time to thank a few people? I mean, I did save us a few minutes of airtime right?

Kris: (“kapal naman talaga ng mukha”…bulong sa sarili) Sige, ok lang go ahead. (naka-smile pa rin)

Inday: Thanks! Yes, I would like to thank Frank Provost for my hair and make-up, Jimmy Choo for my sandals and my dear friend Oscar dela Renta for my gown tonight.

BLAG!! Tinumba ni Kris ang podium at nagwalk-out. Hindi na natapos ang show kaya’t binigyan na lang ni Banker si Inday ng kalahating milyon para sa kanyang oras.

Inday: Oh, and thanks to the people of Cartier for sending me these nice earrings for tonight!

[Ito ang isa sa mga un-aired episode ng Kapamilya, Deal or No Deal]

[bukojuz]

COLD WATER



A young man went to visit his 90-year-old grandfather in a very secluded, rural area of the state he lived in. After spending the night, his grandfather prepared breakfast for him consisting of eggs and bacon. He noticed a film-like substance on his plate and he questioned Grandpa, "Are these plates clean?"

Grandpa replied, "Those plates are as clean as cold water can get them, so go on and finish your meal."

That afternoon, while eating the hamburgers his grandfather made for lunch, he noticed tiny specks around the edge of his plate, and a substance that looked like dried egg yokes. So he asked again, "Are you sure these plates are clean?"

Without looking up from his hamburger, the grandfather huffed, "I told you before, those dishes are as clean as cold water can get them, now stop being so picky!"

Later that afternoon, he was on his way out to get dinner in a nearby restaurant. As he was leaving, Grandpa's dog started to growl and wouldn't let him pass. He yelled back, "Grandpa, your dog won't let me out!"

So Grandpa shouted, "COLD WATER, GET OUT OF THE WAY!"

[bukojuz]

Tips sa Panliligaw




Dear Mr. Bob Ong,

Matagal ko na pong nililigawan itong chik na nakilala ko recently sa isang party. Nasisiraan na ako ng bait. Pag nakilala mo siya, tiyak matutunaw ang utak mo sa kakaisip sa kanya.

Hingi lang po ako ng advice. Paano ko po siya mapapaibig? Bibigyan ko ba siya ng tula? Haharanahin ko ba siya? Roses? Kalachuchi? Chocnut at sampaguita?

In lab na po ako. Ano po ang gagawin ko? Is she the one?

Lubos na gumagalang,
-MATT -




- ANG REPLY -


Dear MATT,

Hindi ka talaga sasagutin niyang nililigawan mo. Napaka-old school kasi ng mga tactics mo. Wala nang gumagawa ng ganyan. Sa panahon ngayon, lahat ng bagay, nagtaas na. Nagtaas na ang gasolina, nagtaas na ang presyo ng bigas at mga bilihin, nagtaas na ang pamasahe, at lalong nagtaas na rin ng standards ang mga babae. Hindi na uubra yang siopao at suman mo. Lalo na yung huli mong binigay, hopia at santan. Ano ba pare? Ano'ng era ka ba pinanganak?

Pero don't worry. It's not too late. May pag-asa ka pa. Hindi pa naman siya kinakasal at di pa niya sinasagot yung crush niya na basketball player. Kahit lamang siya ng sampung paligo sa'yo, daanin mo sa utak at creativity. Dahil aminin na natin, iyon na LANG talaga ang pag-asa mo. Heto, bibigyan kita ng mga simple, tried and tested na mga regalo para di siya mapurga sa hopia at siomai. Sundin mo 'to, tiyak na lalaglag ang bagang niya sa'yo. Mga medyo more than your usual regalong panligaw:

1. Bili ka ng century tuna. Ilagay mo sa isang napakalaking box-yung sinlaki ng TV o kaya box ng desktop PC mo. Tapos balutan mo ng magarang pambalot. Kuntsabahin mo na yung teacher niya sa Calculus. Sa gitna ng klase, bigla kang kumatok sa classroom. Pero dapat, incognito ka. Magsuot ka ng LBC jacket, magshades, at magsuot ng surgical mask. Pagpasok mo sa classroom, iabot mo yung box sa teacher, at papirmahin mo ng acknowledgement receipt. Tapos pabuksan mo in front of everyone. Tignan mong mabuti ang reaction sa mukha niya.

Later during the day, pag tinanong niya kung bakit Century Tuna ang binigay mo, iikot mo yung lata at ituro mo yung sign na "Omega 8." Pag tinanong niya kung ano yung Omega 8, sabihin mo: "because you're good for my heart."

2. Mangolekta ka ng isang dosenang hanger na libre mong nakukuha tuwing nagpapa-dry clean ka. Tapos, sa bawat hanger, isulat mo: "I miss hanging out with you."

3. Instead of roses, kuha ka ng tissue paper sa banyo ng school mo. Gawin mong tissue paper roses. Gawa ka ng isang dosena. Pag-abot mo, sabihin mo, "Ganito kalinis ang pag-ibig ko sa'yo."

4. Bili ka ng tetra pack ng mantikang Minola. Tapos bilugan mo yung "with Omega 8." Hindi na siya magtatanong kung bakit.

5. Bigyan mo ng ice cream cone. Dapat cone lang at walang ice cream. Pag hinanap niya yung ice cream, sabihin mo, "natunaw na kakatitig sa'yo."

6. Bili ka ng sandosenang box ng crayola. Kolektahin mo lahat ng black. Lagay mo sa isang box ng crayola. Sa likod, isulat mo: "Walang kulay ang buhay kung wala ka."

7. Bigyan mo siya ng mumurahing bumbilya. Alam mo na siguro by this time kung ano ang isasagot pag tinanong niya kung bakit.

8. Itext mo siya ng: "Hindi tayo tao, hindi tayo hayop, hindi tayo halaman. Bagay tayo. Bagay!"

9. Bigyan mo siya ng calling card ng MMDA. Sa likod, isulat mo "para pag nagkabanggaan ang puso natin."

10. Padalhan mo ng Happy Meal pero huwag mong ibibigay yung libreng laruan. Paghinanap niya, sabihin mo: "Ako yung freebie, at ikaw yung meal na nagpapahappy sa'kin."

11. Sunugin ang kanyang bahay at padalhan ng hallmark card: "aanhin mo pa ang bahay mo, kung matagal ka nang nakatira sa puso ko"

12. Pagkatapos sunugin ang kanyang bahay, padalhan siya ng isang box ng posporo, Guitar brand. unahan ang kanyang galit at sabihin, "ayan ang posporo na ginamit ko sa pagsunog ng iyong bahay, match na tayo"

13. Sa kalagitnaan ng isang malupit na bagyo, pasalubungan sya ng "salbabida", wag payong, o mainit na mami. Pag nagtanong bkt? ang isagot mo ay " ayaw kong malunod ka sa pag mamahal ko."

14. Pag pumayag na siyang makipagdate, dalhin mo siya sa canteen at huwag bibitawan ang kamay. Pag tinanong niya kung bakit, ituro mo yun sign na "don't leave your valuables unattended"

Handang tumulong lagi,

-Bob Ong-

=))

[bukojuz]

A DOLLAR

A young boy enters a barber shop and the barber whispers to his customer,=
"This kid is not so bright. Watch while I prove it to you."

The barber puts a dollar bill in one hand and two quarters in the other, then calls the boy over and asks, "Which do you want, son?"

The boy takes the quarters and leaves the dollar.

"What did I tell you?" said the barber. "That kid never learns!"

Later, when the customer leaves, he sees the same young boy coming out of the ice cream store and says, "Hey, son! May I ask you a question? Why did you take the quarters instead of the dollar bill?"

The boy licked his cone and replied, "Because the day I take the dollar, the game's over!"

[cruiserbyker]

ha ha ha.

whew! baka patayin ako ni Nica pag ginawa ko ang alinman sa mga tips na yun. he he

[chippoy]

May 14, 2009 12:24:41 GMT 8 cruiserbyker said:

ha ha ha.

whew! baka patayin ako ni Nica pag ginawa ko ang alinman sa mga tips na yun. he he

>> singit mo lang walang latay pastor 'pag nagkataon! hehehe

[bukojuz]

VACUUM



A little old lady answered a knock on the door one day, only to be confronted by a well-dressed young man carrying a vacuum cleaner. "Good morning," said the young man. "If I could take a couple of minutes of your time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest in high-powered vacuum cleaners."

She said, "I'm broke and haven't got any money!" and she proceeded to close the door.

Quick as a flash, the young man wedged his foot in the door and pushed it wide open. "Don't be too hasty!" he said. "Not until you have at least seen my demonstration."

And with that, he emptied a bucket of horse manure onto her hallway carpet.

"If this vacuum cleaner does not remove all traces of this horse manure from your carpet, Madam, I will personally eat the remainder."

The old lady stepped back and said, "Well let me get you a fork, 'cause they cut off my electricity this morning."

[bukojuz]

Si lolo at si lola



a funny yet sweet story:



Lolo and lola agreed to recall their first meeting 50 years ago and make it yesterday once more. Lolo waited beside the river with flowers but lola didn't arrive. When lolo got home, he saw lola in bed, hugging a pillow. Lolo was angry and threw the flowers to the floor asking "bat 'di ka sumipot sa usapan natin???" Lola covered her face with the pillow and answered in a shy manner "'di ako pinayagan ni mama ehh"

[chippoy]

Bro Bukojuz! Just wanna tell you I'm always looking forward to your laugh posts, parang comic strips ng newspapers. Very entertaining! hehehe

[chippoy]

Mahuli kaya ito sa atin?

[chippoy]

Isama kaya natin mga pets natin sa Marilaque?!